Happy New Years everyone! 2009 is going to be a big year. Lets make it the biggest so far (measured in terms of weight gain throughout the year)!

The last couple days have given me time to think, and I’ve developed a little “relationship success” test that I’ve been using for years to determine whether a girl has marriage potential, that I feel like sharing. It’s TDC approved (TM), which means if this backfires you can feel free to yell profanities at us on the street or talk shit about us behind our back (we know you do anyway, you bastards). Follow this quick test to see whether or not you should take the plunge and sign your girl up for life, or, alternatively whether you should can her ass.

Close your eyes and picture the following series of events:

Close your eyes. Come on… Nothing bads gonna happen.

1. You and your darling are sitting down on your sofa in the lounge room watching TV. For argument’s sake let’s say you’re watching that TV show ‘You are what you eat’ with Gillian McKeith, where a dirty old bitch follows fat people over the course of many weeks helping them stop eating KFC for breakfast, lunch and dinner and switch to vegetables. She always takes fecal samples of each person and analyzes each sample on television, in front of their family, and psychoanalyzes each person’s health. It’s foul.

2. While watching, you hear a loud rumbling sound. You glance down and notice the skin over your girlfriend’s lower abdomen is rippling like a little earth quake went off beneath the surface. At the same time, you smell last night’s dinner mixed with this morning’s breakfast.

3. Your girlfriend leaps into the air and lets rip another huge wet fart. She takes her shorts off and has uncontrollable diarrhea all over the Persian rug on the floor. She is prancing around holding her ass cheeks with her hands, shitting like a fuckin’ hippopotamus and burping continuously making barking sounds.

4. The diarrhea slows down to a drip and eventually stops. Your girlfriend then wipes her ass with a cushion from the sofa, puts her shorts back on and sits down next to you. She acts like nothing bad has just happened.

What do you do?

a) smile gleefully and slip out of your own pants to do the same thing (since you’ve been holding back the need to do so yourself), or

b) break up with her, wrap her up in the diarrhea rug and haul her to the fuckin’ curb.

If you answered a) to the above then you are in love. you might as well split your assets in half, forget about sex and start paying alimony already — marriage is the right thing for you.

If you answered b) then she’s not going to go the distance with you. You ought to go break up with her right now. Bust her fuckin’ chops. Send her an abrupt text message telling her that she “didn’t pass the shitty sofa test” and you “can’t see her fat ass any more” (even though she was probably the most attractive woman you’ll ever meet and you’re throwing away your only chance at meeting someone who can actually bare you for more than 3.5 seconds).

Time for an update from TDC headquarters. We’re currently holidaying - but we’re always working, no matter where we are. Every burger bun we eat, every sip of liquor we take is a part of our TDC grind. We’re half way through writing for our forthcoming song and have completed the production for another song (entitled ‘Regrets’). We’ll keep you posted on that shit.

In other news, Andy “Handy” Adams is recovering rapidly from his hand slicing action the other night. He says he needs to wear plastic bags over his hands to shower so has chosen to avoid showering altogether. The stench is unbearable. Soon the stitches will come out and we’ll find out if that plastic surgeon who put his hands back together did a good job or not.

His family are furious at TDC, even though we were not the ones who directly caused his accident. Yes, it’s true that we purchased 55 standard drinks of bourbon and rum, slammed them down with him and then decided to take a short cut over a corrugated iron fence to get more liquor…but we would also like to remind people that we took him to the hospital and stayed there eight long gut wrenching hours while his hands were reassembled by a plastic surgeon. Nicholas Lai and Marc Buccella were the ones who didn’t give a shit and went home early that fateful night to pluck their pubic hairs in time for Christmas. We need to launch a fucking investigation into why Lai and Buch insist on having pre-pubescent bodies at Christmas time. Do they play the role of baby Jesus in their repsective family Christmas nativity sets? Probably…

In the holiday season spirit, we’d like to share with you a little TDC history; this time in regards to Melina Veleriya (Marc ‘Buch’ Buccella’s ex-fiancee and first flame).

Of all the people we’ve met over our years whilst spreading the TDC lifestyle movement, one person stands and distinguishes herself as the most unusual…the most peculiar…the most tight-bodied. That’s right — it’s Melina Valeriya.

Above: Melina Valeriya posing for the camera

Above: Buch posing for a photo as he sits upon his couch watching soft core porn on cable TV

We only knew her for a couple of months, but in that small amount of time we got caught up in her spell. Why was she so special? Because she is the girl who nearly got engaged to our friend Marc Buccella. As many of you know by now, Marc is very close to TDC. He was there from the beginning and has been discouraging us for years. He also tends to be a very reserved, shy man with very little get-up-and go. He’d rather sit at home and watch the Playboy channel on cable TV than come out and drink in the park and eat fast food or get wasted and pick up chicks. Go figure.

So when Melina came into the picture and viciously took his virginity away from his body, we were gobsmacked. It was the first relationship we’d seen him in. Melina was a gorgeous woman and hailed all the way from Russia. She worked as an Ella Bache skin model and had met Marc on a holiday in Australia. She violated the terms of her tourist visa just like she violated Buch’s ball sack. She fucked him 6 times in one day, we heard through the grapevine.

Above: Melina posing naked (she’s wearing body paints)

Marc will never under any circumstances contact somebody without them first contacting him. He will never initiate a phone call, text message for email or initiate a night out on his own volition. The one time he has, though, was when he first went on a date with Melina. He called us out of the blue and went on to tell us what they talked about, word for word. He explained in graphic detail every sexual position they were in, every body fluid they exchanged. We were white with envy. From that day on Buch was in love with her.

In the weeks that followed, he became engaged to her. It was one of the fastest moving relationships any of us had witnessed (and we are friends with Alex Wong — another virgin who moved to another state to be with a girl that was a massive prostitute gold digger sucking him dry of money and dignity - click here to read more).

Above: Some select moments from Marc and Melina’s tumultuous relationship, as shown over facebook.

But what came to light was shocking and totally unexpected. It turns out that…that Melina….was in fact…a pornographic actress. Images found on the internet revealed that she had been involved in not only soft core pornography as shown below but also more hardcore pornography that we are unable to show you on this blog (call us if you want us to send you some of her shit on DVD).

Above: A series of pornographic shots uncovered of Melina which eventually lead to the end of their relationship (click to enlarge)

This revelation forced Marc to cast her out, given his firm Roman Catholic religious affiliations and revoke their proposed marriage and end the relationship altogether. TDC lives on, and Marc has never been the same. He’s a great guy, a big drinker. But we hope he can get on with his life again. You’re a great guy, Buch, you need a quality woman.

Don’t be sad - At least you’re not like Wong!

Last night TDC met up to celebrate Andy Adams’ (an ex-TDC employee) return to Melbourne. He’s been stuck in Japan for the last 12 months working off a debt by washing dishes at a small restaurant in the far northern ice glaciers. In true TDC-style we promptly organised a drinking event in his honour. The usual suspects were there: Minton, Ricky, Buch, Andy and Lai.

Above: Andy (left) in the Hospital Emergency ward after the incident. Read on to find out what happened…

We bought a 1 liter bottle of Jack Daniels and a bottle of Bacardi white rum. We were in the fucking ZONE before long. We headed to the Royal Exhibition Gardens and sat there swilling our alcohol while talking about old TDC memories: the time when Andy used to live in North Carlton and our friend Steve Clark assaulted him..the time when Nick Lai smashed his head on the concrete after drinking two bottles of Jack Daniels…the time when this fat girl tried to sexually assault us on the roof of Andy’s old house. Great times. We’ve been through a lot together. As we were drinking, Buch was bitchin’ and whinin’ about how he doesn’t like the rum so he started feeding all his alcohol to Andy who happily slurped it up like a fish in water.

Before long, security kicked us out of the park. There’s still a lot of controversy surrounding this part of the night; we believe it’s because Buch farted into the pond where the ducks were bathing…while Buch maintains that we were kicked out because we caused a ruckus.

We relocated to a little laneway in the middle of the city and continued to suck down our alcohol (after picking up filthy souvalakis from a Greek small goods street vendor). Life was good.

Watching us drink must have gotten to Nick Lai and Buch, because they went home like the pussies they are. It was 1am and well past their bedtime. Mummy and Daddy were probably worried, so they got a taxi together holding hands and dreaming of exchanging bodily fluids. Amused at their lack of backbone, we decided to go get more alcohol at the 24 hour bottle shop just up the road. This is where the night took an awesome turn - we tried to take a short cut over this extremely sharp corrugated iron fence down an alley.

Andy was pissing on a wall nearby (while rotating his body a disgusting display of public indecency). He then barked like a dog and ran up to the fence to jump it. As he got up on top of the fence, he put all his weight on his hands and twisted violently “AAaAArgrrrhHGHHhhhhh” he screamed. I thought his crotch had got crushed, but when I got up on the fence and looked down I saw both of his hands were squirting blood everywhere. A woman nearby screamed when she saw it and ran off. Andy was just lying on his back moaning like a racehorse that had broken its leg. We called an ambulance and wrapped his hands with a TDC hoodie. (It turns out that TDC hoodies double as great bandages for people with serious bleeding injuries! What a bargain).

Andy’s hand flesh had been ripped from the bone leaving huge 5cm (2 inch) deep cuts on both hands. The doctors later called these cuts lacerations, but that doesn’t do it justice. They were fucking huge gashes deep into his body. We could see bone and ligaments in his hand when he tried to move his thumb and fingers. His right hand was worse with three different deep lacerations. His left hand was slaughtered as well, though not as severe. The ambulance driver rushed us to the hospital emergency department and Andy was led inside for emergency surgery. We spent the next seven hours in the emergency ward watching Andy get injected with morphine (the lucky prick!) as he had 50 stitches put in both hands by a plastic surgeon. Since he was so drugged up he was laughing about it like a madman. What a brave son of a bitch.

Above: They really know how to make you feel welcome at the Emergency Department

Above: The waiting room where we waited while Andy had his hand examined by a plastic surgeon

Above: Andy’s patient chart. It said he blew a Blood Alcohol Content of 0.145! 2 hours after the incident

Above: Be thankful you didn’t see the cut without the bandage on top

Above: Andy high as fuck on morphine. Laughing about a life-threatening injury

Above: Andy with his bandaging - He was lucky not to have any nerve damage

To cap off the night, we left the hospital at 8am as day light broke and people were heading to work. Naturally we went to McDonald’s for breakfast. Andy looked like he had just been released from prison as he waddled down the road - he was covered in blood from his boots to his shorts and jacket and had massive bloody bandages around both hands. He also had a mad-man look on his face - he was on cloud 9, still very high from the combination of alcohol and the drugs the doctors gave him. Business people walked by him and flinched as they realised that he was probably Ivan Milat.

The doctor who put his hands back together was a real hard nose - she said “I really want to give you pain killers but I can’t prescribe them to you due to the risk of misuse”! When she said this we looked at each other in shock, whispering “Holy shit” under our breaths…though I suspect we said it a lot louder than a whisper given we have autism. It was then and there we realised he was in for an excruciating next couple weeks. A doctor who doesn’t prescribe pain killers is like a butcher who doesn’t kill an animal before draining its blood. A brute. We owe her (two of Andy’s hands) for her seven hour effort to save his limbs…but come on sister, you can’t assume we’re going to take his painkillers off him and abuse them.

Well, that’s that. TDC had another exciting night with alcohol. Yet again, Buch and Lai missed out on the best part of the night. They always seem to miss out in life and it’s always because they are too timid and conservative to take a risk in life. They want to go home early (even though they have nothing to do the next day). Do they realise they’re sleeping on life?

What a great night out. We loved it.

Above: Andy reviews his medical chart and contemplates life without functional hands

Get well soon, Andy Adams. You’re a fucking champion. We’ll be seeing you soon to have one more drink for the road before you head back to Japan for another year to complete your back-breaking job there.

Yeah, we did it again. We hit the Jack Daniels and the McDonalds. Life is becoming a beautiful ritual of heavy drinks, fast food and parks. We need these moments though, they motivate us to create TDC products. To motivate our minds and bodies for the creative processes needed to do so.

Buch came out with us again. He’s in good spirits, it seems, and he was drinking quite heavily as well. Only problem was, he consistently under-orders at the local fast food restaurant:

Above: See the size of Buch’s McDonalds order on the right? Look how small it is compared to our orders on the left. It’s disappointing, and makes us look bad in the restaurant.

We’ve been working on the GO ON AND CRY song, as you can tell, it’s a slow process. We’re lazy sons-of-bitches. But we’re running out of time to waste, our life expectancies have been dramatically reduced lately (more on that in the upcoming weeks) so we need to be a little more COMMITTED from now on.

Above: Andrew (left) and Ricky (right) - working on the song. We’ve got headaches from massive fast food binges and hangovers from the night before.

Above: Our make-shift studio. Check out the MPD32 drum machine on the left. Word.

While you’re at it, have a squizz at this audio recording where a man totally fucks up! I enjoyed it, you will to:

Above: (Spoiler) Audio recording of a girl finding out her boyfriend is already married! Hah! That’s gotta hurt. The gurgling sound at the end of the recording is proof enough to me that this is true.

The other week I got an insight into why Buch, Macgregor and McGinnes are all hardcore dry dick virgins (and potentially raging homos in the case of the latter two). What happened that night was a sickening display of indecent anti-social behavior of the highest order. Picture these events as you read them, but be warned, it will turn your penis into a flaccid vegetable cock for years to come.

Above: An image of Andrew McGinnes (right), one of the culprits

It was a Tuesday night when we decided to hit the piss. Macgregor wore his longest trenchcoat, McGinnes lamented his hair loss and Buch brought his McDonald’s coupons and bad breath. The night started at the Young and Jackson pub on Flinders Street. We had a few pints while chatting about our problems. We each took it in turns, going around the table clock wise. Each person spoke for two minutes maximum about their latest setbacks in life. We took a deep sip as a sign of respect after each story ended. That is except for Macgregor - he drank 1 glass of low carb, light beer and then tried unsuccessfully to get me to buy him rounds by standing close to me and breathing down my neck. He would try and bring the conversation back to money every chance he could get, reminding everybody about how I supposedly owed him $5 for a taxi 13 months ago.

We left the pub after a few pints because Macgregor started to flirt with some bikies who threatened to snap our cocks if we didn’t buy them cigarettes. We headed down the liquor store and purchased a slab (24 bottles) of Carlsberg beer and headed to a cheap Chinese restaurant to clean our bowels out the only way we know how. McGinnes ordered some slop (Chinese dumplings probably made out of baby flesh) which we ate while we swilled maybe 10 or 15 beers. Buch didn’t eat, he said he “doesn’t eat anything ethnic” he “only eats pizza and McDonald’s”. Strange coming from a first generation Italian immigrant. I guess some people just work harder than others to come across as Western.

After dinner, I got up to go take a massive piss from my little cock when four girls got up from the table behind us and came over to me. They started talking to me. This shit never happens to me so I lapped it up. It turns out they had been waiting for me to go because they wanted to hook up with us for some drinks. I lied to them about how much beer we had left in our slab so that I could get these gold diggers to hang out with me. After some awkward attempts at cracking jokes the girls laughed at the wet spot on my jeans where my dick leaked some urine. They thought it was sweet that we’re such bitch ass loser guys who were willing to give up our beer for their company.

So, I took a piss, paid the Chinese laxative merchants (Well, I watched Macgregor pay. He yet again paid for my meal hahah!) and then went out onto the street. We decided to hit up the park - Alexandra gardens - and drink the slab. The girls told me they had cask wine in their handbag. I wish I told them I had a boner in my pants for them, but luckily for them I didn’t. Out of the 4 chicks, 3 were pretty fucking hot. They were way too good for us, but they wanted to drink and we had a slab so it could have worked out.

We began the long walk down Swanston Street and this is where it all went wrong: I was talking to two of the chicks up front with McGinnes. Meanwhile Buch and Macgregor were walking a bit slower behind with the other two girls. It turns out they were acting like complete fucking losers. Buch was stuttering and making nervous small talk unsuccessfully. Then get this: he abruptly said to them “anyway im gonna go to McDonald’s now” and he walked off across the street to McDonald’s near Flinders. He didn’t just walk, he trotted. No good bye, nothing. Needless to say, the girls were flabbergasted. They either thought he was a gay man and not interested in hanging out with them, or a massive virgin who was trying to avoid conversation because it felt so uncomfortable.

Image four chicks like the one above

While Buch was serving that massive cock up, Macgregor was making virgin small talk with one of the girls. He was laughing like Harry Potter while trying to make some lame ass joke about having to go to work in the morning or something. “I have to work early in the morning ladies, I can’t stay out tonight and I certainly can’t drink, ha! ha!” he said. Clearly these chicks were too hot for his bullshit, you could tell by the clam slamming sound their pussy lips made as they closed up in disgust.

Before I could intervene and put an end to the bullshit, the chicks formed a little huddle at the traffic lights at Flinders Street and decided they didn’t want to come with us any more. I wonder why? Fuck. Buch and Macgregor blew the whole fucking thing with massive awkwardness on a scale I have not seen before, and I’m in TDC for fuck’s sake.

We went to the park and drank the slab before walking up to Transport Bar for a final round. THE GIRLS WERE THERE. Mcginnes and Macgregor waved at them in the most retarded fashion I’ve ever seen, while making these massive cheesy grins. Unsurprisingly the chicks finished their drinks and pretty much RAN out as soon as we walked in and sat down at a table.

Life’s a bitch when you’re in TDC and you hang out with virgins. We were thrown a bone by mother nature in the form of four drunk chicks who wanted us to cream them in the park…and all I have to show for it is three unopened condoms in my wallet and a scrotum full of sour cream … and a stinky finger from later in the night when I pleasured myself.

Last night TDC hit the turps* again. It was raining cats and dogs all day in Melbourne, so we thought: what better of a way to spend a Saturday night then buy a bottle of spirits, sit in the park and drink it? We picked up a massive 1 liter bottle of Jack Daniels and sweated all over it. The drinks went down smooth and at a high velocity while we enjoyed the wet scenery of the park. Unlike the week before when there had been old men with their exotic prostitutes making out on the park benches and exchanging body fluids, the rain had driven away all the riff-raff (except for us) and we could just relax and discuss why we hate the way our friends live their lives. *(Turps = turpentine = slang for alcohol)

Above: We only drink 1 litre bottles of Jack Daniels thesedays. It’s the only way to go

After finishing most of the bottle in an hour or two we left for McDonald’s and feasted on a hearty meal of Big Macs, chicken nuggets and french fries. God we love our TDC lifestyle. Our bellies don’t, it seems to bulge out in protest at it, but our stomachs and bidets definitely enjoy it.

We got a phone call from our friend Alex Wong who was in Canberra drink-driving as usual. He wanted to talk about religion but we wanted to talk about how his ex-girlfriend fucked him over and remind him about how he was done like a hot dinner by her gold digging ways. It turns out he doesn’t want to talk about his ex-girlfriend with us any more. That’s incredibly ironic because not even a year ago it was the only thing he did want to talk about - “Oh, I love my girlfriend, I love her so much” he would belch — “Oh, my girlfriend would disapprove of that!” etc, etc. Funnily enough, it turns out the whole time he was ‘with’ her, she was copulating with another guy. A guy who looks very similar to Buch (an elongated version of him), Alex Wong’s best friend. See the similarities between him and Buch?

Above: Mae (aka Michael Chang) and the guy she cheated on with Alex Wong. He’s holding her down because she was having a seizure. Too much gold-digging can cause epileptic fits.

Above: Buch aka Marc Bucella. A TDC dinosaur.

The night ended after we got back home and watched some great television show about Australian university undergraduates. We always watch this show even though it’s not particularly interesting - just because we have autism and watching something familiar always makes us feel comfortable. Buch fell asleep soon after the programmed commenced, thus ending a night of excitement and relaxing park drinking. Here’s a few more happy snaps.

Above: Buch is sleeping on life! He has chronic fatigue syndrome because he has heavy balls.

Above: Buch with his toys.

Above: Sodomy occurs at the strangest times, and sometimes with amusing results.

This week we’re working on our upcoming song: GO ON AND CRY. Here’s a hint: asbestos will feature prominently. We’ve got to tell you guys about an incident that has changed all of our lives in the past weeks; a  dangerous asbestos exposure. But that’s coming later… Until then, peace out, bitches. To all those people with STANK BREATH, go brush your fuckin’ teeth.

Check out the TDC Drinking Hoodie. 100% cotton, zip front and draw string hood. Reversible design: two looks in one. Navy blue side with TDC graffiti tag; white side with all-over cartoon drink print. Orange cuffs and draw strings with front hand pockets on each side.

Only $45 US Dollars - get yours now from the TDC Online Store or via eBay.

Click to ENLARGE…

Guys. Let’s be honest. Given that international economy has crashed and  TDC’s net worth is now equivalent to the value of a pound pig flesh, we need to sell some of these hoodies. So we’ve got a little sale going on - US$45. Just in time for Christmas so that you can get your loved ones their very own drinking hoodie.

G’day.

TDC went on our camping ritual this weekend and spent hours causing headaches trying to get some good quality tunes going. Geez, the things we do for you guys. We’ve got some shit in the oven, baking. Stay tuned and we’ll be releasing it soon.

In other news, today i’ve got an interesting incident to tell you guys about that involves a girl accidentally sms’ing her father something rather sordid. One question that must be asked: Was the sex on the beach worth it?

Above: Here is her expression afterwards

Above: The sordid message she sent her father and his prompt reply

Above: The girl

The worst case of my parents finding out about my perversion has been being caught masturbating twice and printing out some porno.

As a child, I printed off a picture of a guy and a girl having sex. Unfortunately the printer wasn’t working at the time, so the image was placed in the printing queue overnight. I forgot to delete it. So when my dad turned the printer on again in the morning and got it working out came the photo. A babe spread eagle as a porn star dominated her in the most viscous way imaginable. I wasn’t reprimanded, thankfully.

The worst cases for me, however, have been when my parents have walked in on me masturbating twice.

One time my dad barged in and saw me, cock in hand, jacking off to some porn. He looked shocked, and just said “Your dinner’s ready”, and left. I yelled “Remember to knock!”. I really hope he didn’t think I’d said “Remember my cock!”. But what’s done is done.

The same thing happened with my mother. But when she barged in she didn’t immediately notice i was masturbating. I had to say “Hey! I’m masturbating! Get out!”. Since then, they knock, which I appreciate. But I still want to move out of home, and get some more space.

What incidents have happened to you guys?

(P.S. Paul from Minnesota, USA, please stop e-mailing us asking about the finer details of our sex lives. We do need some parts of our lives to be private. And you’re on a need to know basis, buddy.)

Also, check out this video of a young girl shooting a shotgun in the U.S. The fat guy sitting by the truck reminds me a hell of a lot of Andy Adams (an ex-TDC employee who was fired):

Above: Andy Adams (an ex-TDC employee)

See the similarities?

I’m not sure why the girl’s pissed off, she’s hot. I wonder what they were arguing about before hand. It goes to show, drinking and shooting go hand in hand.

In other news, I was watching some TV online last night, and I came across this video. A recipe for a double Krispe Kreme doughnut sandwich with beef, bacon and egg. Delicious. WARNING: Heart attack provoking. I swear this is the equivalent to what we eat when we go on a TDC Camp. Fast food, caffeine, sugar and lots of laxatives. Check the video for it below:

Check this video out, it’s footage of a man taking drugs and then attempting to drive, with very scary results:

Note: TDC promotes safe driving under all circumstances. We have never driven whilst intoxicated.

The only car incident we have had was when Andrew Adams (an ex employee) was attempting to get into our car, and we drove off before he had fully gotten in. Unfortunately, we didn’t run him over. We nearly did. It was funny, but we felt guilty after because he had gifts for us that day. He bought us a bottle of Jack Daniels and Blue label whiskey for our respective birthdays. This gratefulness soon wore off, however, when he proceeded to open those gifts and start drinking out of them without our permission.

(P.S. We leave for our TDC camp in 2 days. Depature time: 4:30am SHARP. a 2 Day marathon of TDC productivity will occur. Ingredients: caffeine, laxatives and fast food.)

No toilet breaks are allowed on all TDC camps. This is enforced through a variety of unconventional methods, as shown above.